Our infertility story

When we didn't get pregnant soon after birth control, I remember telling my sister I feared there was something wrong with me. She said that was normally a typical male fear and we both laughed it off. Tests confirmed it was not me, but Jonny's swimmers. They were a bit slow and deformed. And there were not that many of them.

More than enough to do ICSI though. A form of IVF where the sperm is directly injected into the egg cell. Only a small obstacle to what we both wanted: our own baby. But what is a month treatment on a lifetime. Little did we know back then.

We were so excited and began our first ICSI cycle in the summer. Okay, it was a little bit uncomfortable having so many people involved in the baby making process. And taking so many hormones wasn't doing me any favours. But hey, we were going to get pregnant! Finally! After two weeks of drugs we had five follicles. Three fertilised and two were put back. On day three we transferred. Two Grade C embryos. This was it. We would be a mummy and a daddy.

The two waiting weeks flew by! Why on earth did anybody ever call those waiting weeks difficult? Technically I was pregnant, I just needed the pregnancy test to confirm it. On testing day there was still no sign of blood loss, so I was surely pregnant. Right?

Wrong!

One lousy pink line. That is all the test showed me. My world collapsed. Looking back at our journey so far, I can say that this day I lost a part of myself. It hit me so hard. I don't remember how I told Jonny, I just remember sobbing. Sobbing like I never had before. The rest of that day and much of that week is just a blur. I cried until there were no more tears and then I just sobbed with dry eyes. I got angry and I was in a bad place. A very bad place. I was angry at my body, angry at Jonny and angry at the world. I accused Jonny of not being there for me and he had no idea how to be there for me. We drifted apart.

We eventually found each other again and we started preparing for the next round.

I cut my caffeine way back, took more and different vitamins and put us on an organic food only diet. We tried a new protocol at a new hospital. This time only three follicles. But luckily two of them fertilised and were put back. We had a chance! A good chance with two good looking embryos. Could it be this time? Would we be lucky the second time around? I was between hopeful and gloomy for the whole two waiting weeks. It wasn't to be.

This time I was more upset about having to tell Jonny. I know how much he wanted to be a father. How could I tell him that it didn't work- again. That my body left us in the air- again? I saw the pain in his face when I told him. And we just held each other. For a very long time. And then we prepared for the next round.

We started with a detox- his and hers. More vitamins and I spent half my wages on accupuncture and now we only ate healthy food. No more tampons for me thank you, only organic cotton pads from now on. I took every advice in Zita West's book very serious. It was my pregnancy bible. I had to feel like we Did Everything We Possibly Could have to make this work. It was up to the lab assistants to help nature the last bit.

Same protocol and only one follicle. One lousy follicle. All that drugs wasted to produce what your body produces naturally anyway. We cancelled the cycle.

Then the hospital said it was enough. I was now officially a low responder. With only a 5% chance of getting pregnant with ICSI, they said we'd be better off having sex. Same chance. A second opinion abroad confirmed the low chance. But we were not ready to give up yet. We were still young. We were healthy. We had every chance to beat the statistics. If only we could convince the hospital. Reluctantly they agreed to do cycle selection. We just had to come back every cycle and pick the best cycle to start the treatment.

But there never seemed to be a best. My FSH continued to be high, there was only a low number of follicles each month and my veins started protesting at the amount of needles they saw. Suddenly it was enough. Enough of poking my unwilling ovaries, pumping my system full of hormones, giving blood to vampiring nurses and waiting for the right month.

So in May this year we decided to stop our own IVF- yes, I've been sitting on that story for a little while... We are moving on to donor eggs.

And we are so very happy to be moving again! We are so happy to have a life line!