A short break

We are quite open about our infertility treatment. At work the frequent trips to the clinic during office hours need some sort of explanation after all. Some close colleagues know we have had IVF and that we are currently in limbo land. I leave out more details though. I wouldn't dream of talking about the thickness of my endometrium, the state of my ovaries or number of follicles... That somehow doesn't make good coffee machine talk.

Close friends, family, fellow bloggers, support fora, mailing lists we all need for the moral support. So we share our story. On this blog and in real life. In between, during and after treatments. And it is wonderful to be able to talk about our emotions if we need to, great that people don't feel akward about asking us what is happening and nice that others share their story with us too. It is sweet that people hope for us and sympathise with us.

Last week somebody enquired about when I would have my period next. Admittedly that felt a bit weird. I mean... Just for a second or so. I don't really mind, because after all when my next period comes we go the hospital again. And maybe maybe we can start the treatment again. And maybe maybe maybe I will get pregnant. And have a baby. Or two. How lovely would that be!

But it felt weird. Okay, out with it. I think I have ovulated. So within two weeks we go back to the hospital to have my blood tested and determine the number of follicles present. If all is in the limits than we can start. We thought we were getting the hang of all this and being very organised for once. And then all of a sudden it struck me, I'd forgotten something! A quick peek at the last few months in my diary and a few hasty calculations confirmed that our planned city break is, well let's put it this way, rather bad timing.

We'll just have to wait and see when my slightly erratic period actually arrives. And what the blood test shows and if there are more than a few follicles waiting to join the game next month. And if so, if we can fit the possible egg retrieval around our planned holiday. You can't say we don't keep it exciting!

Spinach

Flo and I have been informing family and friends of the virtues of spinach ever since reading/watching the book/television programme "The Truth About Food".

Well, I've finally got around to uploading the relevant episode of the television programme. I've uploaded the entire episode, so you'll either have to be patient and watch the entire episode or wait for it to all download and then scroll through it and try and find the spinach bit.


Enjoy... and eat lots of spinach!

Positivity

This morning we returned to the hospital for a consultation with our gynaecologist to hear his interpretation of the results of the recent tests that Flo has undertaken.

He started off a little scathing, since he wasn't too happy that a registrar had performed the ultrasound last week, but after making his point he settled down and started to get to the point. Although the results of the last ultrasound weren't great, with only three follicles observed, he concurred that Flo's results for the hormone tests were consistently (over a two month period) "fair". We've kind of become accustomed to his parlance and quickly translated the term "fair" as meaning "average" or "typical". Coming from a position of "poor" and "borderline", this felt like a little triumph in my mind.

So, hormone levels look OK, number of follicles looks is a bit low, but the overall outlook is "fair". The gynaecologist actually seemed to encourage us to commence a "natural cycle selection" protocol, indicating that the rate at which Flo is currently liberating egg cells may be in a temporary trough and could at any time pick up and return to "normal". He stressed on several occassions that, although it's statistically preferable to have lots of eggs, he's had several successful attempts with women who have only produced a single egg and gone on to give birth.

So... now we start natural cycle selection. On the third day of Flo's menstrual cycle, her hormone levels will be tested and an ultrasound will be performed. If the hormone levels look good and there's a reasonable amount of good looking follicles (three seems to be the magic number), then let the ICSI commence! Otherwise, we wait 'til the next month and try again then.

Well... it's good news. But at the same time, it's a bit disappointing since we feel that we've just lost six months while the hospital convinces itself that it's worth continuing to treat us. But let's be positive... it's good news and even better, our gynaecologist now seems to be enthusiastic (well, as much as he can be) and fully supportive, despite the "natural cycle selection" protocol being "a bit of a hassle" (his words).

Therefore... next update in a months time!

Tractor maintenance

Industry aiding agriculture is a glorious task for the working class! Workers should follow safety procedures and comrades should keep the overall condition of revolution in mind and perform their duties well. Or something along those lines...

Today we hung the four vintage Chinese propaganda posters we bought in Hong Kong a couple of months ago. They look good on our wall, especially in the new red frames (we thought that was an apt colour). Now we just need to find out what they actually say!

On Mother's day

Friday my sister called me and told me about one of her friends, who we also know. He took the pictures at our wedding and gave us something very dear: beautiful memories of a very special day. We don't see him very often, but when we do, we enjoy it.

When he told us a few months back that his girlfriend was pregnant, he was glowing with pride. Excited at the prospect of becoming a dad. We were very pleased for him and happy to share the moment. At the time we didn't know that their baby was conceived by IVF. That really doesn't matter. Whether it is IUI, IVF, ICSI or any of the variations on the theme, what counts is the end result: a healthy baby.

Unfortunately he and his girlfriend lost their baby last week. His girlfriend almost died of pre-eclampsia and then lost the baby. The baby had not been growing enough and was too small to survive at only 680 grams by seven months.

I can't imagine how terrified he must have been at the thought of losing his girlfriend. The relief when she survived. And the enormous sadness of becoming parents, but not actually getting to know their son. Parents to a baby that didn't make it, but parents nonetheless.

Undoubtedly Mother's day is a sad reminder of what they had and what should have been. I so hope that next Mother's day finds them cuddling their newborn.

Dealing with emotions

My last post was very factual. So much so, I got a comment about it. It is a lot easier to describe what actually happened, than writing how that made me feel. But I'll give it a try!

I sort of knew the blood tests would be okay. Partly based on the first result a couple of weeks back, but mostly because my periods are fairly regular and I have NO symptoms whatsoever that make me think I would be pre-menopausal.

I was looking forward to starting the treatment again. There is something strangely exciting about sticking needles in yourself (in a non-junkie sort of way!). It is a we-are-going-to-make-a-baby-feeling! It is a we-are-doing-something-we-are-going-somewhere-feeling! And maybe a baby will come of it!

That feeling was taken away when we were told to do more tests. How many tests can you do in five years? Yes, five years. That is how long we have been trying for a baby. "Well, another month is not that long then" the nurse said. Although it felt a bit insensitive and matter-of-fact, it is true. It just feels so long.

So my feelings? A bit of everything. I was pleased with the good results. I was upset by not being in control. We depend on the doctors in this process. No matter how much jumping up and down I did, the outcome would still have been the same; we wait. That was disappointing. I was upset with myself for not handling it better. The jumping is slightly tiring after all...

The doctor visit

Last Tuesday we went back to the hospital for the results on the bloodwork. We did not see our own doctor, but we did get the results of the bloos tests. The good news is that my tests all came back fine. Beautiful FSH, E2, progesterone and prolactin levels, the works. What does it all mean? Okay, a quickie hormone lesson, part 2.987.

You make the hormone FSH which stimulates your ovaries to produce follicles. The ovaries also produce estrogen which helps prepare the body for ovulation. Other hormones cause ovulation to occur. The follicle that releases the egg will begin to produce progesterone, which further thickens your lining, preparing your body for pregnancy. My body does all of the above.

The doctor seems to think I just don't have a lot of eggs and/or that they are not very good quality. In the next cycle he wants to check the amount of follicles and do another FSH test. Again. And then maybe maybe maybe we can start the cycle selection in June.

We were a bit confused. We thought we could start another treatment if the results were okay. The doctor apparently wants to get a few test results in a row that say the same thing. I will ask next time we see him. Meanwhile we have to practise our patience for a bit longer and comfort ourselves with the idea that IVF works better in the summer.

Official Newspaper Report

Here's a copy of the official match report from the football game the other week.


Click on the image to make it bigger.

Sakhalin Sokoli

Anyone who knows me knows that I've never really been a big fan of football. I like to watch the big games and world cups and the like manage to stir up a little bit of patriotism in me, but other than that I'm not really a big fan. However, we manage to pull together a team of enthusiastic guys at work for a weekly kick around in the local park (Westbroekpark in Den Haag is our training ground) during the summer time when the evenings are a little longer.

Given that there's only 70-80 employees in our office and that less then half this number are in any sort of condition to do hard physical exercise, we still manage to pull together a full squad of players. To test our competitiveness, we organised a friendly game the other week against another local expat team that play at the Den Haag PGS Vogels club. We were a little daunted when we arrived at their ground the other week... they have their own proper pitch along with a clubhouse and several professional changing rooms. The club hosts about nine men's teams (along with a couple of women's) and we thought we were pitching up to play their nineth team. However, it turned out that we were playing twoof their teams, the first in the first half and the second in the second half. This wasn't really fair, since it meant that we'd be playing a totally fresh team in the second half, plus this was our first full time game on a full size pitch.

So it came as no suprise that we lost 4-1. However, we put up some good opposition, taking the first goal with a penalty and holding the first team to 1-1 in the first half. Towards the end of the second half we were exhausted and inevitably let in two late goals. But we were proud of our performance, as were our opposition who have subsequently offered to allow us to utilise their pitch for future games against third party opposition! Or maybe that had more to do with our generosity in the clubhouse after the game?

Anyway, above is a picture of me playing down the left wing and below is a team picture before the match. I went for run yesterday and was suprised at my performance... seems the social football is having a positive effect on my health as well as being a pleasant way of spending one evening per week.