5 weeks 2 days and a snap shot

This time last week was great. Flo and I had just had it confirmed that we were officially pregnant, which was absolutely fantastic news. But the icing on the cake was seeing Flo so happy and literally glowing... walking around with her head in the clouds and a permanent smile on her face.

As the week went on however, the width of the smile decreased and her shoulders began to droop with worry, as she slowly tried to convince herself that it wasn't working and that she wasn't feeling any symptoms. Of course, while Flo was getting concerned about not feeling any symptoms, I could see plenty.

For a start she's been much more tired than normal, heading off to bed no later than 10 o'clock each night where before it was a challenge to get to bed before 11 o'clock. Then there's eating... suddenly she's gone completely off certain foods and last night I found a bucket next to the bed which had been placed there "just in case".

Then there's the forgetfulness. Like stopping half way through a sentence and forgetting what she was going to say. But then there's also the other extreme... managing to string out a 30 second story into five minutes, usually when I'm stood naked in the bathroom about to leave to put some clothes on while she's still in the shower.

Oh yes, then there's the bouts of deafness. I don't know what's going on with her hearing, but sometimes recently I'm having to shout at her before she can hear what I'm saying.

So today I was doubly relieved. This afternoon we returned to the hospital for a five week ultrasound scan and blood test. The blood test yielded a HCG of 4024 (apparently that's good) and as you can see from the picture below, there's definitely something growing inside Flo's tummy!


If you look just to the right of center you can see an oval shape, which is a sack that has formed around the embryo. Inside this sack is a tiny little embryo... it's currently 3 mm long, so smaller than a grain of rice. So that was absolutely fantastic news and straight away there was a huge weight lifted from certainly my shoulders and judging from the big smile that suddenly re-appeared on Flo's face from hers too!

There was some sad news too. We also spotted what appeared to be a very small second embryo. It appears that this second one took (so was certainly transferred successfully) but that it subsequently stopped growing. For a couple of seconds this upset me a little, since the idea of twins had really grown on me. However, in those two seconds I suddenly became aware of the fact that this was very selfish of me, since the risks to Flo are much greater with twins and the fact that there's even one growing inside her is pretty miraculous!

The second relief of the day was that, for a few days at least, Flo can relax and not worry about whether she's pregnant or not, which means smiles and good moods... I like seeing her happy and she positively glows at the moment. But it's two weeks to the next "check-point"...

So, the plan is to be happy for the next week, not to worry and to assume that everything is going to plan. Leave all the worrying to next week and deal with it then.

4 weeks 4 days and syrup waffles

Pregnancy is officially 40 weeks long, but rather than those 40 weeks starting on the date you conceive they run from the first day of your last period. Or two weeks since fertilisation in our case. That’s so the experts have a definite date to work from. It also speeds things up a bit, because I am already 4 weeks and 4 days pregnant. Me pregnant. Wow. I am slowly getting used to the idea. It is great to be congratulated on my pregnancy. Pregnant. Wow.

Humbled, grateful and still very much aware that a positive blood test is no guarantee to a happy and healthy baby, I am still constantly checking for blood when I go to the toilet. I try not to worry too much and I tell myself that the chance of it working is bigger than the chance of it not working. At least there are enough symptoms to show for it.

My clumsiness makes Jonny giggle and the fact that I have completely gone off stroopwafels, just means there are more for him! Good for me though, since I am bloated as anything. Last night after dinner I could not keep my eyes open, I would have slept standing if I hadn't been sitting on the sofa! I slept for a solid 45 minutes. It seems there is definitely something going on inside my body. Wow!

13dp3dt: and the results are in!

My blood test showed a HCG-level of 451!

I am very pregnant according to the nurse I spoke to. Wow. I am pregnant. Wow.

12dp3dt and yet another symptom: disbelief!

10dp3dt and going slowly mad

I'm on 10 of the 14 day wait and am going slowly mad. At first it was because I had no symptoms, now because I have symptoms. You can't win!

My lower back has been aching and I've had period type pains on and off for the last couple of days. They really freak me out. I've been researching online and seen that they can be a good sign, but then again, who knows?

The main symptoms are being totally obsessive and paranoid though. I just can't help it!

9dp3dt and no use crying over spilled coffee

Coffee is not supposed to be that good for you when you are trying to conceive or when you are pregnant, I know that. But I love a good strong milky coffee in the morning. So I compromised. A long time ago I cut down on coffee and only had one cup of coffee with breakfast. At work I switched to green teas and herbal infusions. Although I have been in my current job for almost a year, my colleagues are convinced I only drink tea since they have never seen me drink coffee.

Then we started the treatment. Enter decaf and more teas. Until this morning. In a bad moment (one of those where I was convinced it hadn't worked), I thought I should really have some coffee. But instead of the powder going in the machine, I knocked it over and it formed a neat pile of coffee on our chopping board. Which made me cry. To which Jonny said that it was really not such a big deal and no need to cry. Which made me giggle. Oh dear, those hormones! I am so aware that the waiting weeks are hard on Jonny too.

If only clumsiness were a pregnancy symptom...

8dp3dt or rather how this is a long long overdue post

Erm, I couldn't decide on the right title for this post. Heck, I couldn't even decide whether I would actually write this post.

You know what it feels like when you have not spoken to a friend for ages and you feel slightly guilty about being so sluggish at keeping in touch. And the longer you wait, the harder it feels to pick up the phone. Then when you finally come 'round to it, it turns out that your friend felt the same and is loving your call. There was a bit of that. So much has happened over the past months and I didn't know where to begin or what to write. Call it blogger's block.

A lot of preparation has gone into this cycle. How nice it was not having to worry about my ovaries behaving, but just concentrating on making my lining receptive for the embryos. How hard it was to sit back and trust that a bunch of other people are doing what they need to in order to get you pregnant. And then you have to think constantly about how weird your life is, which is just tiring.

The down-regulation was not a particularly pleasant experience. The nasal spray brought me in a menopausal state and made me very weepy. I got weepy thinking about everything that could possibly go wrong. The donor might not respond well to the drugs, my lining might not thicken up enough, none of the embryos might make it to day 3 or it might simply not work. Egg donation is not fool proof anymore than normal IVF is. And I even got weepy about being weepy!

You can imagine my (and Jonny's!) happiness when I could start the other drugs, the ones to build up my lining. I felt so much better, I was relieved! The donor responded well to the drugs, my lining turned out to be a perfect 10 mm, the sperm was good enough for ICSI and three of the embryos made it to day three. So last Saturday we transferred two embryos that our clinic characterized as "good quality". One six-celled and one seven-celled embryo. We would proudly like to present the first pictures of our two lil' ones:



And here we are: 8 days past a day 3 transfer and I still feel good, if slightly nervous. I try really hard not to analyse every twinge, ache and pain. And I am not doing a very good job at it. Cramps a few days after the transfer, sore breasts, lower back pain. In a good moment I associate the symptoms with pregnancy, in a bad moment I think that my period is looming. Maddening!

According to the doctor and embryologist, we have every reason to be positive and optimistic. Which we are. And I am so grateful to have this opportunity for success and I really apreciate it that we have made it this far. I just wish that time would go a little bit quicker! Five days to go until the blood test...

When Do You Know?

When do you know it is time to move on to donor eggs, one of my friends asked me? When do you decide to make that next step in the infertility journey? Well, I find making decisions hard enough when they don't concern life-changing events. Give me a choice of tea or coffee in the morning and I need to think hard. And oh, the horrors of a restaurant menu with 20 different starters or main courses (choice stress!)... On the other hand, I am quite quick to decide on what I like for our house and also with clothes I generally know what I want. And desserts. Dead easy: something with chocolate of course!

The decision of moving on to donor eggs probably fell in between very easy and impossible in terms of decision-making. We had talked about it before, childishly joking who we'd like our donor to be. After all, one has to joke about very serious things! When we had our evaluation after our third ICSI, we asked our doctor about it. Who dismissed it rather abruptly, especially since we mentioned egg donation abroad. Infertility tourism, anonymous donors with weird diseases and no doubt even weirder personalities, we were stabbed with the speech. We were not to involve them in this hideous crime we were planning and just had to learn to live with being childless.

Building our family through donor eggs did not feel like a crime though, if maybe a little unconventional. And remaining childless didn't sound like a nice option. I know that donor eggs are certainly not for everyone, any more than adoption or even IVF is. But after 3 failed ICSIs and talk of very small percentage chance of conceiving with my own eggs, we were ready. Ready to seriously consider it as an option for us to build our family. One night over dinner we decided (as you do) to go to Spain for an intake in a clinic there.

It turned out that donor eggs would definitely be our best option. And I must say, it was fantastic to hear a doctor say that you have a 60%+ chance of getting pregnant, as opposed to less than 5%!! So we tried to figure out how we'd integrate it into our lifes and our future children's life. We discussed anonymous donation and whether we would tell our future children.

We carefully tried the idea on our closest of family and friends and they were wonderfully supportive. There was no judgement, no difficult questions about things we so painstakingly worried about ourselves. They just wanted us to be happy and for our future child to be healthy and happy. They reminded us that a child is more than it's DNA, that we would still be able to see Jonny's groovy characteristics, that it was a great opportunity for us to get pregnant and have a baby. To give life. Wow.

And in being so sweet and caring, our family and friends made it possible for me to make peace with the the loss of my genetic link with our baby. It helped us in the process. Because that is exactly what is was. There is not one point in time I can pinpoint and tell that is when we decided. At one point it just felt right and we were comfortable with the idea of donor eggs. The decision was made. Spain sounded like a pretty good place for doing some baby-making to us!