Pimp my dresser

I am a big fan of Marktplaats. This Dutch daughter website of Ebay helped us get rid of a lot of stuff when we moved. I also really like the idea of recycling and making money doing so.

The first thing ever I sold on there were steel toed boots from Jonny. He had had those boots as long as we were together and some more, but never wore them. It turned out they never fit him properly, they were too big. Now Henk in the north east of Groningen is the proud owner of some vintage Reebok boots. He's happy, we're happy.

When we couldn't find a dresser to fit the kitchen wall, we decided to have a look on Marktplaats too. And last week we have acquired our first item: a semi-antique wooden dresser. I have since customised it with porcelain Delft Blue drawer handles. So now we have a lot more storage space in the kitchen and it was cheaper than Ikea!

Little Otto

Kata and Arian's baby son Otto was born on 24 November after only 23 weeks gestation. He was too small and too vulnerable to stay alive outside his mother's womb. He only lived for four magical minutes.

It makes us painfully aware that a model pregnancy is just a step to a healthy baby. We once again realise how special and fragile life is. I wish so badly that they could have had many more moments with their son. Life is really not fair.

You gotta move!

Today was my first day as project manager/assistant editor in chief/publishing manager at a publishing company. They are in the middle of a big reorganisation at the moment so most job titles are currently being reviewed. I am going to help them out with a few different projects in the next four to six months.

I spent half a day at a nice country estate discussing the launch of a new product. A very good way to meet a few of my new colleagues and get back in the work pace. There is a lot of work to be done so they were happy to have me aboard. And I am looking forward to starting properly soon!

The train is still moving...

I said before that we don't take bad news too well. Maybe I should clarify that. When somebody tells us that something can't be done, we see a challenge. The message from the hospital that they couldn't do anything for us anymore took us by surprise. It felt like a blow and we went down for a little. But by no means it knocked us out. We were distressed to say the least, but soon we got up. Ready for the next round.

The next round is in the beginning of December when we have a follow-up meeting with the gynaecologist. For my own good I prefer not to question their competences and integrity at this point in time. I like to think that they are not in this business to make money or get a great success rate published - they want to help us get pregnant and that is the basic goal.

If our goals indeed are aligned, I am sure I would benefit from a different protocol. With the help of Dr Google and my online buddies I came up with the best protocol for low responders. Basically it consists of less surpression, more stimulation. This is something I would like to propose. If for whatever reason our ideas turn out to differ, then it is time to consider Plan B.

Plan B might involve suing the hospital (is there such a thing as a right to have infertility treatment?), get a second opinion in a different hospital or seriously consider alternatives. Although we have discussed alternatives, given my age and the quality of our embryos so far, we think we have not explored the current route to the max yet. So that is what we will do before we move on.

We just wish this process were easier sometimes. But then again, we were never in it for the easy ride!

Our favourite icon

In case of any of you wondered about the sudden appearance of the favicon that came with the updated design of our blog, it is a Summerbird Fløderbolle. We came across this delightful Danish delicacy when we were in Copenhagen last September.

The handmade Fløderbolle is a very distant relative of the snowball. It consist of two layers of the finest Trinidad pure chocolate, homogeneous marshmallow cream and a marzipan base. It looks like an oddball, but it leaves its cheap mass-produced relatives light years behind.

It is made by the small Danish Summerbird boutique. They adhere to the principle of quality over quantity. No glitzy interior design, no elaborate marketing campaigns, no flash in the proverbial pan - just pure, freshly made chocolates and marzipan prepared tastefully and presented simply.

As I completely endorse the quality over quantity principle, I was in Flø heaven!

Ready to give up on us

We had the IVF evaluation at the hospital yesterday and the message was blunt. There is nothing that they can do for us anymore. I do not react well to the hormones and they do not see any added value of putting me through another IVF cycle. The doctor compaired doing a cycle with us having sex. Changes of our own child are really low either way.

I do not agree. First of all it is a lot more fun when we have sex and a zillion times more romantic. The whole IVF concept is pretty weird, come to think of it. Making a baby is supposed to be something intimate, something of two people together. When it didn't work that way for us, we soon put all inhibitions aside. Suddenly a lot more people were involved in the making of our baby. Voila, the baby project was born.

Second, our indication is severe male factor. In order words, the sperms will not penetrate the egg cells on their own. Ever (Jonny says that technically this is possible, but the chances are very very slim). ICSI is a way to overcome this problem. This means there is definitely added value in doing the treatment. Even with a small number of eggs. After all, embryo quality has been okay and one good embryo is all it takes. A small chance is still a chance.

Despite liking the more personal approach of this hospital, so far we have nothing to show for it. I have been labeled as being a poor ovarian responder, based on one FSH reading (it varies from month to month), after an operation that turned out to be unneccesary (my left ovary has refused to function since) and one and a half IVF cycles. I do not react well to surpression. Or too well if you like. I am sure that I would respond better on a different protocol. In fact it might be the doctors who are poor ovarian stimulators.

We do not react well to bad news either.... Can we just doubt their professional and objective opinions? Are we turning obsessive? Have we turned into sour cynics if we question their motivation and think that their success rates might be a factor? We are not quite sure what to do next. Try again with IVF #4? A new clinic? Donor eggs? Adoption? Give up?

One thing we are quite sure about: we are not ready to give up!

Homely

I've been promising peeps an update on the house for weeks now... and finally... here it is. Well, sort of. The house is currently in a bit of a state of flux, still unfinished in parts and still with lots of unpacked boxes from the move. Slowly but surely, we're getting there. Boxes are slowly disappearing as we either throw things away, find places to store them or Flo manages to sell them on Marktplaats.nl.

Thanks to my Dad, we officially have a garden, since it now has plants. And Boris and Boika love it! They particularly enjoy grass, which shows that they've integrated well into Dutch society.


My Daddy will be pleased to see that we've hung the bird table (quite literally, with a neat, tidy, thirteen wraps hangman knot) and we've attached trestles to the wall to assist the climbing plants.

Inside, we've managed to remove most of the rubbish that had collected at the front of the house, which leaves us with lots of space to park our bikes and store unpacked boxes. And it's now very light at the front of the house, since the newspaper has been finally been removed from the front window and replaced with some semi-transparent foil, which lets some light shine through, but prevents people from being able to see in. Boris is particularly fond of this new arrangement since it gives him the opportunity to keep an eye on the world... I suppose it's his equivalent to the world wide web.


There's not a whole lot to report for the rest of the house. A solution for the floor at the front is being chased and should be closed out by mid January, we're waiting for a quote for blinds and curtains and the stainless steel counter for the kitchen should have arrived within a couple of weeks, but has been delayed until January. So, looks like the house warming party will turn out to be a joint Jonny and Flo birthday party too.

Despite the house not being completely finished, it already feels much more homely than our previous rented house. Despite the clutter and mess, we're able to get on with our day to day lives and as we'd hoped, the layout of the new house feels much more sociable than before, since we're invariably within eye contact or at least audible range, which makes us feel like we're together, even when we're busy doing our separate things.


The kitties appear to be settling in and relaxing in the new home. They particularly seem to enjoy the floor heating, since it means they're happy to slump pretty much anywhere on the floor and feel warm. They sit and stay close to us... so we're one big happy family!

Over already

After bleeding for 10 days solid into this cycle, I decided to call the hospital yesterday and ask for the ultrasound to be done before Friday. No need to waste any more drugs, time and energy if this was likely not to work. The nurse agreed.

One lone egg. That was all the ultrasound showed this morning. Although we sort of prepared ourselves for this outcome, it is still disheartening. We hoped that the higher dose would somehow do the trick. But after taking an entire mountain of drugs and some more (I had to buy two more boxes of Gonal-F to get me through 14 days of stimulation), all I have is one egg. The same egg I naturally produce per month anyway.

Our third IVF cycle has officially been cancelled prior to retrieval due to poor response. Not worth it.

Oh, and I dropped my peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter side down. I am having such a crappy day.

Oma Schuurman on TV

As a follow up to our previous post on Oma Schuurman's posthumous award, I managed to capture a short article that was broadcast on Dutch TV on the evening of the Yad Vashem ceremony (31st October, 2006).


It includes interviews with Tante Trix and with Alex Nathans (or little Dikkie Duinroos as he was known back then), as well as the grand daughters collecting the award on behalf of the family.

There's also footage of the pre-ceremony meal, with a large congregation of the Schuurman family from Canada and the Netherlands, as well as Alex's family that came over from Israel. If you look closely you can just about spot me and Flo in the background!

It was interesting to see a bit of Jewish culture first hand and an honour to be part of such an historical and rare event. Seeing so many of Flo's family and relatives together was a also real treat!

Answers on comments

For everybody that is not interested in detailed medical information: please skip this post. We will be back soon with non-medical stories. Promise!

One commenter, Ilse, wanted to know what drugs and what dosis we are on. For her and for anybody else who is interested in the infertility saga so far), this is our history:

IVF/ICSI #1 Gonal-F, Decapeptyl, Ovitrelle 5 eggs, 3 fertilised, 2 put back, -ve
IVF/ICSI #2 Menopur, Decapeptyl, Pregnyl 2 eggs, 1 fertilised, 1 put back, -ve

I am now on the long protocol, started on 225IU and then with a higher dosage of stimulation: 300 IU Gonal-F. Plus first one shot and now 1/2 a shot of Decapeptyl a day. The cycle was preceded by 2-3 weeks of birth controls to quiet my ovaries down. We since found out that, unlike stimulation, I respond extremely well to surpression. More on that later.

Dr. Google told us that Gonal-F might work better for poor responders like me. One because it is synthetic. Some women react better to that. Two because it only contains one hormone (FSH) and not another hormone (LH) as well. This should work wonders for egg quality.

Which brings me to another subject. The one of egg quantity versus quality. That is an interesting one. Unfortunately poor response to hyperstimulation in IVF is generally indicative of the egg quality. So yes, we only need one egg, but the chances of that one getting us pregnant are slim.

I have heard a story of a woman who had 30 (!) follicles, but only one contained an egg. That one was fertilised and got her pregnant. Or embryos with poor grading sticking. Not to mention natural pregnancies when there was an ICSI-indication. It all happens. And I really hope we can be one of those urbans legends.

Another thing. I try not to worry about my uterine lining. At the moment it is too thin to be the home to an embryo. This is a side effect of the pill. It should not surprise me since I am still bleeding after more than a week, but is does disappoint me. I never had problems with my lining before. It was always a nice big cushion for the embryo to jump on.

This cycle is not looking the best so far, but we are not giving up. Yet, as the gyneacologist kindly remarked. It is just hard. Hard to give this cycle our full positive energy and cover ourselves for the potential disappointment at the same time. We really appreciate all the crossed fingers everywhere! Send any soothing, calming vibes you can our way!

Lazy ovaries

I feel my ovaries. They feel like two little knots at either side of my body. That does not correspond with the images of the ultrasound this morning. After three weeks on the pill, 7 days of Decapeptyl and 5 days of Gonal-F, one follicle is the miserable result. ONE. That is exactly the same amount as we would get without stimulation during a natural cycle.

A disappointing result after so much effort. I was convinced that was the end of ICSI number three. But much to our surprise, the gynaecologist had another idea. She told us to increase the dosage of the follicle stimulant Gonal-F and decrease the Decapeptyl. Come back on Friday.

The fact that I feel my ovaries might be a good sign. There might be some small follicles lurking about, ready to join this round. I really hope that the increased dose of medication will do the job and kick my ovaries into high gear. We are not ready to give up yet.

Tummy eggnog cocktail

After a couple of days of only taking Decapeptyl, last Tuesday we added the follicle stimulating hormones to the tummy cocktail. We use Gonal-F with the pen this time. Click and go. No more labaratoires chezcorcutt.

I still don't like needles. There is lots of trembling and quivering going on at hormones time. At my end of the needle. I close my eyes and tremble and quiver before Jonny actually sticks the needles in me. My tummy itself seems to protest this time around. I am starting to look like a pin cushion.

It's not that bad really. We have made a little ritual out of it. Jonny is my needle master and I just lie back and try not to giggle. Giggling makes my tummy muscles tense up, so it hurts more. It's over within a few minutes. And I always get a big kiss from Jonny. Then we get on with the rest of our lives. Trying not to let the IVF take over too much.

On Monday 6 November we'll find out how many follicles are growing in me.

In memory of my dear courageous Oma

Yesterday my oma (grandmother) was honoured posthumously. During an official ceremony she was awarded the title Righteous Among the Nations by Yad Vashem. This honorary title is awarded to non-Jews who risked their lives during the holocaust to save Jews. My oma risked her live to save the live of Alex Nathans or little Dikkie Duinroos as he was called back then. On the picture she is holding baby Alex.

Newborn baby Alex came to the farm in 1943 and stayed with my widowed grandmother and her twelve children until the end of the war. He called oma 'mother' and he had loads of big 'sisters' and 'brothers' who doted on the little boy. He simply became part of the family. The dangers involved in hiding him were never mentioned.

My oma risked her own life, freedom and safety and that of her family in order to save another life. Yet she did not want to be thanked, she did not consider herself to be courageous, let alone a heroine. She just considered it her obligation as a Christian to help a fellow human being in need.

The little boy grew up, got married and moved to Israel. He now has four children and six grandchildren of his own. He was grateful to my grandmother and first nominating an then awarding oma, was his way of saying thank you. A thank you for being there in times of need. Although everybody agreed that oma would thought the ceremony was unnecessary, seeing the big extended family together would have undoubtedly filled her heart with joy.

Alex, his wife and his children all attended the ceremony. Many of my Dutch family members were there and ten of my relatives even traveled from Canada to participate. When the three granddaughters named after oma received the medal with her name on it and the certificate of honour, I felt proud. Proud of my dear courageous oma, who made the future possible.