Dealing with emotions

My last post was very factual. So much so, I got a comment about it. It is a lot easier to describe what actually happened, than writing how that made me feel. But I'll give it a try!

I sort of knew the blood tests would be okay. Partly based on the first result a couple of weeks back, but mostly because my periods are fairly regular and I have NO symptoms whatsoever that make me think I would be pre-menopausal.

I was looking forward to starting the treatment again. There is something strangely exciting about sticking needles in yourself (in a non-junkie sort of way!). It is a we-are-going-to-make-a-baby-feeling! It is a we-are-doing-something-we-are-going-somewhere-feeling! And maybe a baby will come of it!

That feeling was taken away when we were told to do more tests. How many tests can you do in five years? Yes, five years. That is how long we have been trying for a baby. "Well, another month is not that long then" the nurse said. Although it felt a bit insensitive and matter-of-fact, it is true. It just feels so long.

So my feelings? A bit of everything. I was pleased with the good results. I was upset by not being in control. We depend on the doctors in this process. No matter how much jumping up and down I did, the outcome would still have been the same; we wait. That was disappointing. I was upset with myself for not handling it better. The jumping is slightly tiring after all...