When we first found out that we could only have children through IVF-ICSI, I thought that little problem (no pun intended) could be solved by doing a treatment. Once. For my generation the adagio is: throw enough energy and money at a problem and it will be solved. So I was over-optimistic about the treatment working the first time.
When it didn't I was devastated. I hit a particularly bad period, where the sadness, pain and bitterness threatened to consume me. I entered a dark place and felt alone and helpless and hopeless. Jonny didn't know how the deal with me and I didn't know how to deal with his emotions. We nearly lost each other in the process.
It took a long time for us to find each other back and pluck up the courage to have another go. This time we took a little more control: we ate and lived healthily, I had acupuncture before and during the treatment, we took loads of bloody expensive supplements. Also, we had a laugh throughout the process, joking about the needles, the hormones, the small disappointments. In all, we did what we could.
Despite all our best efforts it turns out that the second time has not worked either. Earlier this week the good (physical) feeling had suddenly gone and the mental feeling soon followed. Yesterday morning I lost some blood. There are all sort of possible explanations why you could lose blood and be pregnant. Unfortunately they don't apply to me. I am now waiting for my period to start properly.
It is bloody hard. It sucks, it is bloody unfair. We are going to be sad, to have a good cry, to shout, to feel very sorry for ourselves. For a bit. Then we'll put our chins up and be brave and strong again. Knowing that there is nothing that we could have done differently. Knowing that coming through at the other side with our relationship intact is success, not a failure. And we'll move our goals posts a little so we can carry on to reach our goal: having our own baby.
I love you Jonny!
4 comments:
Hello Flo,
I am so sorry that your ICSI has not worked out.
I was so sad reading your article, I felt like crying because I know so well what you are going through.
I've had 2 failed transfers and a miscarriage, so I understand how you feel right now.
I just want to let you know that I am with you by heart and thought.
Take your time to catch your breath again and find strength to start all over. I'm sure Jonny and you have such a strong relationship you will struggle together and finally get what you want so much.
Lots of love,
Christine
Im am very sorry too....
Since a while i'm reading your blog cause like you we are doing ICSI [2nd] ...
You hit the nail on the head with your description about how we are a generation who trust in energy and money to solve any problem. We too were over-optimistic about the treatment working the first time. And to be honest, now, while we are still in the middle of the 2nd go...the feeling is the same... thats why its shocking to read that with your 2nd try it did not work out like it was supposed to be... i know you did everything right... it sucks big time!!
I wish you both all the strenght to deal with this and to find the energy for the next try... have faith...it will be ok some day!!!!
big huggs
Pobb
Hi there you both,
Flo informed me already by phone.
Darn! Hard it is.
Obviously technique, money, energy, nor all the healthy efforts are enough. What you need as well is an ordinary little piece of luck. And luck appears to hit randomly.
Looking over your shoulders, over the hills and valleys you both conquered, l am certain that you will find strength, courage and mutual love to ambush luck a third time. And over if necessary. Achievers you are. A proven fact.
Jonny, love her back! '-)
Darn again.
The word l should've used is science!
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